I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
