he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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