i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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