Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
