Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You made out with two different species that night
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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