I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
