you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
