the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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