I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
