I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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