Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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