Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
