the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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