You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
