Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
