a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
