Jerry, you need to find god
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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