Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My cat gives me a boner
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
