Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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