Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
