it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
false alarm, still single
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
