remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
