I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
only if we run a train.
done.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
