I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
