shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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