OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
