"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
