Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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