We won't sleep together?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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