I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
