We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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