Betty ford says i'm here all night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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