i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.