how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
