I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
