You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
