I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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