no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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