I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
