You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
