Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
