haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
