Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
