I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
