Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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