Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
