you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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