im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
