I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
