hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
