so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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