So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
