i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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