matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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