i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
