4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
