Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
