when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
