Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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